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Hello everyone. So, in honor of Halloween, skyblue reverie has written the most horrifying Jeeves and Wooster bad!fic to ever grace the fandom. And, being me, I felt it was my duty to MST this monstrosity. Run in terror from Jeeves in a heterosexual relationship, Bertie performing rituals of self masochism, Aunt Agatha acting on her lust for Bertie, and, worst of all, SKWYE! If Satan wrote a Mary Sue, it would be a little like Skwye, I think.

The original story, sans MST, can be found here. Much thanks to Skyblue, btw, for helping me with the voices. So, without further ado…




[The fellows are all sitting around the conference room, hanging out. House enters, followed by Jeeves and a distressed Bertie.]

House: Differential diagnosis everyone, and page Wilson. What presents with hiccups and psych symptoms?
Bertie: *Hiccup!*
Cameron: [pages Wilson]
Chase: What the hell is this?
House: [rolls eyes] Sure, just ignore the DDX- that’ll make it go away. [Grabs Bertie by the shoulders and yanks him in front of the room] Now, who can tell me what this is?
Foreman: A cosplayer with a bad case of hiccups?
House: *Bzzzzz!* Wrong! This is our newest patient, Bertie…um…
Bertie: Wooster.
Cameron: What kind of psych symptoms?
House: Thank you for playing. Go ahead and ask him something. Go on- it’s hilarious.
Chase: Fine. [Cocks thumb at Jeeves]. Who’s that?
Bertie: Why that’s Jeeves- my manservant. *Hiccup!* If you happen to find that you’re having any trouble sorting out this, er, hiccup thingummy of mine, I’m sure he’ll be in line to offer help before you can say whatsit? Jeeves is the brainiest chap this side of the Western Hemisphere- his diet consists heavily of fish and could outwit the tail off a fox.
Cameron: …okay, that was kind of weird.
Jeeves: [tips bowler hat] Good afternoon, madam.
Cameron: Dr. Cameron. This is Dr. Chase and Dr. Foreman, and Dr. House you’ve met.
Jeeves: [eyes House distastefully] Ahem…yes, there was some… interchange downstairs in the clinic.
Wilson: [pokes head in] You needed something?
House: No. But you’ll want to stick around- it could be cancer.
Bertie: *Hiccup* CANCER?! Oh Jeeves, I’m done for! [runs over and wraps arms around Jeeves].
Jeeves: [hugs Bertie, glares at House]
Wilson: …Okay, what’s going on here?
Cameron: Dr. Wilson, this is Bertie Wooster and Jeeves, his… manservant.
Chase and Foreman: [snicker]
Chase: Translation- bitch
Foreman: Oh, like you’re one to talk.
Wilson: [raises eyebrow] …Jeeves and Bertie? [wanders over to the computer]
House: Can we please focus on the task at hand? What causes both hiccups and psych symptoms?
Cameron: Brain and spinal tumors have been know to cause prolonged hiccups, and it would explain the psych symptoms.
Bertie: [sobs, hiccups] I’m dying!
House: Wrong location- we’re looking at a pretty big tumor if it’s causing both symptoms. He’d be showing more symptoms.
Foreman: Then it’s multiple small tumors-
Bertie: Ohhh! [sobs, hiccups]
House: This is fun. We should invite the patient to the differential more often.
Wilson: [from computer] A-ha!
Chase: Did you find a cause?
Wilson: No, but I found a fic.
Cameron: What?
Wilson: I knew I’d heard the names ‘Jeeves and Wooster’ before, and now I remember where. Some author named “Skyblue-reverie” wrote a story about them.
Jeeves: [Clears throat] Dr. Wilson, are you insinuating that someone has written a story about us without our knowledge?
Wilson: See for yourself.
Chase: Bad!fic time!
Bertie: …What time?
House: Oh, you’ll see.


Title: A Love without end
Author: Sky Blue Reverie
Fandom: Jeeves and Wooster

Bertie: [points at the monitor] Those are our names!
House: Wow, nothing gets past you.


Pairing: Jeeves/original female caracter, Bertie/Aunt Agatha non-con impiled

Jeeves: Excuse me, but could anyone perhaps tell me the purpose of that small slash mark between the character’s names?
Bertie: And what does this ‘non-con’ thingummy mean?
Chase:...okay…this might come as something of a shock…


Summary: Seperated from the love of his life Skwye by her evil father Jeeves goes to serve Bertie. Bertie is being abused by his evil aunt and Skwye has to save both Jeeves and Bertie

Cameron: Woah. Glad this one isn’t about us.
Foreman: Does anyone even know what the summary means?
Jeeves: I’m afraid I couldn’t say, Dr. Foreman. However, I can attest to the fact that it makes me very uneasy.


Author's Notes: This is not a "slash" fiction, okay. I don't see why people always think Jeeves and Bertie are gay. I mean Bertie is always getting engaged to girls for heavens sake.

Bertie: Against my will.

THEY ARE NOT GAY OKAY?

Bertie: But I’m very gay! Why I’ve often been told that, when it comes to a night out on the town, you can’t come by better company than B. Wooster!
Foreman: Um…I’m pretty sure she means ‘homosexual’. [whispers] Seriously, who is this guy? The long lost son of Mr. Burns?
Cameron: You mean Larry?
Bertie: [to Jeeves] But Jeeves, we are homosexual.
Jeeves: I’m quite aware, sir.


Disclaimer: The main caracter is NOT based on me shes based on a freind of mine

House: Then why does she have your name and not your ‘freind’s’ name?

and Berties problem's are serius so if you have those problems please get help okay?

Foreman: That’s for sure.

Your not alone

House: Oh yes you are.

Feedback: Only if your not one of those h8ers like the "slashers" are

Wilson: But I like the slashers. They never make me spawn with Cameron.
Cameron: That’s why I like the slashers too.


Layin' here in your arms and you hold me tight, tight
Tryin' not to watch the clock
Tick-tickin' as the time goes by (by)
And I know that you'd best be on your way
But I'm wishing I could make you stay
Stay with me forever

-Britney Spears, "Before the Goodby"


House: Looks like we’re in good hands, people.

<3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3

Bertie: I say! If you turn your head to the side a bit, they look just like small hearts! Jeeves, look!
Jeeves: [sighs] I am enthralled, sir.


Yorkshire Mores, Whales, 1915

Bertie: I say, Jeeves, it's been a while since I checked a map, but aren't the Yorkshire Moors in England? I mean to say, they, er, haven't moved them, have they?
Jeeves: No, sir, Yorkshire is still in England.
Bertie: Jeeves, do you remember our honeymoon in Yorkshire? I seem to recall that you forgot to pack any clothing for us. Dashed rummy thing - I've never known you to make such a bloomer before.
Jeeves: A most regrettable lapse on my part, sir.
All but Bertie: [smirk]
Bertie: Oh, that's quite all right, Jeeves. After all, it all worked out in the end, didn't it?
Jeeves: Indeed it did, sir.
All but Bertie: [smirk even more]


"No daddy you cant do this to me!" Skwye Revery, a beautiful auburn-haired 18 year old young welsh woman cried defiently.

Cameron: *bzzz* Mary Sue alert, Mary Sue alert! This is not a drill! Please place your head between your knees and prepare for emo!impact.
House: Skwye? Like Sky O’Malley?
Wilson: We can only hope.
Cameron: You two read trash romance novels?
House: [shrugs] The ones at the used bookstore are cheaper than real porn.


Her gentle porselain cheeks were stained with cristal tears that she had cried due to her true love, Reginold Jeeves, being crually seperated from her by her evil father, Baron Lloyd von Scarlet auf Cummerbund.

Foreman: …ow.
Chase: [hands Foreman pills] Take two and call me in the morning.
Bertie: Jeeves! You never told me about this Skwye woman!
Jeeves: [sighs] I assure you, sir, that nothing of the sort ever transpired.
Wilson: Baron Lloyd von Scarlet auf Cummerbund, heir to the London underground and possessor of the evil twirly moustache of hatred!
House: Oh, please let him have one of those really cool evil laughs!
And a zephyr.


"It's all ready done" the evil man said crually.

"But daddy I love him!" I said.

Bertie: Which would be fine, if not for one inescapable hitch: Jeeves loves men. Specifically men named Bertie. Bertie Wooster.
Jeeves: Yes, sir, we understand.


"he is not of our class. You can not marry a servant, Skwye" he said

Cameron: None of them will have you. Your best bet is Billy, the pig farmer down the road.

"I dont care! I'll follow him. You cant stop us. Our love will conquer all" she said

Chase: Even my love’s rampant homosexuality! Nothing will stand in our way!
Foreman: [slaps Jeeves on the back] Looks like you’ve got your first Sue stalker, Jeeves. Congratulations.
Bertie: [fidgets nervously] Jeeves, I think that this whole Skwye business calls for new, extra sturdy locks on the front door as soon as we get home.
Jeeves: [shuddering] I wholeheartedly agree, sir.


"if you do you'll regret it. I'll make sure he is arrested and goes to jail" he said

Cameron: I’ll have him arrested for over-Britishing.

"anyway he thinks your dead. I made sure of that" he said

House: He’s throwing the party as we speak.

"you are evil, daddy, evil" I whispered brokenly

She flew to the window and stared out.

Bertie: She has wings?!
Wilson: Let’s hope they melt.


She saw her lovers tall dark form aboard a horse, galloping away miserably.

Wilson: Why is the horse miserable?
Chase: I’d be miserable too if some stalker Sue were riding me.


She put's her head in her arms and weeps uncontrolably.

<3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3

Bertie: They’re back! [turns head sideways]

Londen, Englend, 1920

Wilson: Hm…where do you suppose Englend is?
House I’m guessing just north of Spane and Franse.


Reginold Jeeves tucked the small photograph into his drawer which showed a beautiful auburn haired young woman

Chase: Posing nude on the hood of a model T.

He often took it out to remember the one woman he had loved the only woman he would ever love he shed a single solitary tear before putting the picture away.

Bertie: Just the one tear, Jeeves? You must *hiccup!* not be very upset.
Jeeves: At this moment, sir, I am as upset as I have ever been.


"jeeves I bally say, wot!" he heard the voice of his employer, Bertie Wooster, from the other room

Bertie: Well, I say! I do not talk like that! Jeeves, do I talk like that?
Jeeves: [pauses] …no, sir.
Bertie: I should bally well think not!


He sighed and got up sadly wiping his eye's and going out to see what the young master needed

Foreman: All right, what do you want you classist bastard…er, I mean, sir?

"what does Sir require?" Asked the butler perfectly correctly.

Jeeves: I assure you, there is nothing remotely correct about the above statement.

No one would ever guess that inside he was dieing of a broken heart

Foreman: So in 1920’s England, there was no concept of spelling, grammar, or coherent thought?

"its a bally beautiful day, wot?" The young man ejaculated as he saw his butler enter.

House: Cameron, add spontaneous ejaculation to the whiteboard.

Just then the doorbell rang the dark-haired man answered the door it was Aunt Agatha

"Jeeves I say I don't bally want to see her!"

Chase: Then you probably should have said something before Jeeves opened the door.

the younger man was suddenly afraid but it was too late He trembled when the daunting figure of his aunt came in the room.

Wilson: Carrying a flame thrower and a bottle of turpentine. It was time for their weekly game of ‘human roman candle’.

"wooster!! I asked you to come see me at my house yesterday and you didn't show up what is wrong with you you bloody young fool?!?" she said.

Jeeves: Apart from a noticeable lack of proper punctuation, this sentence does resemble reality.
Bertie: Except for the dashed improper language, of course. Aunt Agatha would never use that word.


"but aunt agatha, I say, I was, umm, bally busy, wot" he said.

House: I spent the entire day thinking up new ways to sound like a moron.

"you will go to my house now. She said sternly.

The young man whimpered but followed his aunt agatha out the door. She pinched his but as he goes out causing him to jump but Jeeves' doesn't even notice.

Jeeves: [jaw drops]
Bertie: Wait, what? Jeeves, I’m confused-
Jeeves: Excellent, sir. I suggest you remain that way.


The dark-haired butler sigh's.

Jeeves: [glares] I’m a valet.

His employer has become more and more depressed lately like the butler

Jeeves and Bertie: Valet!

himself but nothing can ever make the dark-haired man better not since the love of his live had so tragicly died at such a crually young age.

Bertie: Jeeves, when I [sob, hiccup] die of brain and spine cancer, will you feel this way? So sad that the l. of your l. has died at such a cruelly young age that nothing on this green earth could heal you?
Jeeves: I would, sir. However, I’m confident that Dr. House’s diagnosis is wrong.
Bertie: Why is that, Jeeves?
Jeeves: Well, to begin with, it hinges largely on the inaccurate assumption that you are suffering from a mental illness.
Bertie: [cheers visibly] Jeeves, you’re 180 points spot on. After all, who could think that I’ve got the old pages stuck together up top, what?


<3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3

Bertie: [tilts head]
Jeeves: [eyes Bertie worriedly]
House: Cameron, add abnormal head tilt to the board and check to see if Steve McQueen has any leftover meds.


That night Jeeves and Wooster were in their apartment alone together each thinking there own sad thought's. Reginold was sadly thinking about Skwye.

Chase: [as Jeeves] But would she even fit in the wood chipper?

For some reason he was thinking about her more and more often lately almost like she was trying to comunicate with him in his mind only that couldn't be true because she was dead.

House: [smiles] You’re so smart, Mr. Jeeves.
Jeeves: [glares] I’m wondering, Dr. House, if perhaps you don’t have more work to do downstairs in the clinic. I’d hate to keep you.


She was so beautiful so compasionate so caring.

Wilson: So easy.

She had been his first love and he had loved her since he first heard her spirited laugh even though he knew he was below her.

House: In fact, he was below her every Tuesday, after work.
Jeeves: [shudders] Dr. House, I must ask you to desist at once.


He admired her from affar but he never thought she could possibly return his love.

Bertie: Hmph.
Jeeves: …Sir, are you jealous?
Bertie: No I’m not jealous, Jeeves. Don’t be absurd.
Jeeves: She’s not real, sir. You do understand that.
Bertie: Well of course I do.
Jeeves: …then why are you pouting?
Bertie: [pouts] …I am not. *hiccup*


But the gentle welsh beauty had to his incredable surprise returned his emotions' and they had carried on a secret but pasionate love affair for several month's without her father finding out

Foreman: What is with all of the possessive apostrophes? Did this Skyblue author have a quota or something.
Chase: [gasps] She’s the comma kidnapper!
Foreman: …the what?
Chase: You know how usually when we read a bad!fic, all of the commas seem to be missing? She must be the one who kidnaps them. And now she’s forced them into an unnatural life of apostrophe-ing. [Shakes fist] Damn you, Skyblue! Does your evil know no bounds?!
Foreman: [facepalm] My boyfriend is an idiot.
Jeeves: I understand your pain, Dr. Foreman.


They both knew that there love was a forbiden one because a high borne lady could not date a servant not even a butler like Jeeves was.

Jeeves and Bertie: VALET!

He would come to her bedroom at night and they would make love all night until he had to sneak away at dawn kissing her and promising her to return again that night.

House: Wow, Jeeves! All night, every night? How does the brainless wonder over there even walk?
Jeeves: [mumbling] A great deal better than you do.


Then her father had found out somehow and when he threatened to fire the butler

All: VALET!!!

the red-haired girl had killed herself she had thrown herself off the cliff near their house the Baron had said.

Cameron: Well if Baron Lloyd von Scarlet auf Cummerbund said it, then it must be true, right?
House: Yes, especially if he said it while twirling his moustache, wearing his cape, and riding in his zephyr.


When the butler found out his world had ended he galloped away that night nowing that he would never be the same again.

House: Translation- ten minutes with Skwye turned Jeeves gayer than a sparkly, pink unicorn.
Bertie: Well… then I guess she can’t be all bad.
Jeeves: Please don’t say that, sir. Humanity has never before known an evil like Skwye.


The younger man was upset to. The thing's his aunt was making him do they couldn't be right. He didn't want to do those things like kissing her.

House: [raises eyebrows] Chase, draw some blood and check for neurosyphilis. It looks like the moron is being sexually abused.
Chase: But he’s 31 years old!
Jeeves: [jaw drops] This isn’t real, Dr. House!
Bertie: Abuse? That’s awful! *hiccup* Jeeves, who are they talking about?
Jeeves: …no one you know, sir. Might I direct your attention to the rather large red and grey ball in the adjacent office?
Bertie: Where?! [looks around]


But she wouldn't leave him alone and she threatened to make his live a living H-E-double hockey sticks unless he did what she wanted.

House: [hums porn music] Bow-chicka-wow-wow!
Jeeves: [turns green] I’m beginning to feel ill.
Bertie: [happily tosses about BOUO, oblivious]


She also said that if he told anyone he would regret it. He beleved her because she could take away all his money and make him live in the street if she wanted too. All of his money was controled by her.

Bertie: What rot. If she controlled all of my money, how could I afford all of my clothes, and my spiffy New York apartment? And Jeeves! How could I afford Jeeves if I didn’t have any money?
Cameron: …you pay him?
Bertie: Of course I do.
Jeeves: That is the standard arrangement.
Cameron: Oh. [whispers to Chase] And I thought my relationships were dysfunctional.


He sighed. "I say Jeeve's I think I'll take a bally bath. Will you go and get it ready, wot" he asked sadly.

House: What the fuck is a bally bath?
Jeeves: Dr. House, I suggest you mind your language.
House: Or what? You’ll ‘sir’ me to death?
Jeeves: [stands menacingly]
House: [looks nervous] Wow, you’re really tall. I didn’t notice that before.
Jeeves: [smirks triumphantly, sits down]


The butler got up with a sigh and did as he was asked he layed out the younger mans shaving thing's because the younger man always shaved while he was in the bath

Bertie: What? Why the blasted blue moon would she think that? Is this Skyblue under the impression that I have a mirror in my bathtub?
Chase: Out of everything in this fic, the shaving comment is what enrages you?


then he left the room to give the younger man some privacy while he took a bath.

Bertie: [disappointed] But it’s so much more fun when you get in with me, Jeeves.


Wooster got in the bath with a sigh. He really didn't know how things could get any worse.

Jeeves: For once, the author and I are in complete agreement.

His life had no meaning no purpose.

Bertie: I know. *hiccup!* That’s my favourite thing about it.

He saw the razor blade that his butler had layed out for him and it gleamed atractively he reached for it almost in a days.

Bertie: [confused] How long have I been in the tub?

He picked it up and caresed it gently, hypnoticly. The pain inside was to much to bare. He had to find a way to get it out of him. He layed the blade against the inside of his arm and sliced gently.

Bertie: [gasps] Jeeves! *hiccup!* Stop me! I’m being an idiot!
Chase: Ha! How many times a day do you hear that, Jeeves?
Jeeves: Not nearly as often as I should, Dr. Chase.
Bertie: Why thank you, Jeeves!
Jeeves: Not at all, sir.


The blood flowed out rich and crimson blooming like a flour in the bath water.

Cameron: Ew. Wouldn’t that make the bathwater kind of pasty?

It was beautiful.

Bertie: No, it was pasty!

He gazed at the rich crimson fluid draining out of him and finaly felt free.

Bertie: Jeeves, I’m having a rather unpleasantly tight sensation in my stomach.
Jeeves: I believe what you’re experiencing are feelings of violation, sir.


Meanwhile, the butler

Jeeves: VALET! VALET, VALET, VALET!!!
All: [stunned]
Jeeves: [clears throat]


was out in the main room and put his head in his hands and cried.

House: Phh! Baby.

"Oh, Skwye, Skwye" he said over and over as he wept helplessly and he knew that his live wasn't worth living anymore without her

House: So he got a gun and turned it on himself. The end.

"Yes my darling" he heard. He thought he was imaging things and continued cring. Then he felt a tender hand on his cheek and he looked up incredulusly.

Bertie: [points at monitor] She broke into our apartment!
Wilson: You know, Jeeves, that means that anything you do to her is nice and legal.
Jeeves: I will keep it in mind, Dr. Wilson.


There was his love! Skwye was not dead!!!

Jeeves: [sighs disappointedly] I suppose that it was too good to be true.
Cameron: [places hand on Jeeves’s shoulder] I know how you feel. Nothing kills these Mary Sues. They’re like cockroaches.
Foreman: I think you’re being a little unfair to the cockroaches, Cameron.


He gasped and hugged her. "my darling, my darling" he said over and over

Chase: [as Jeeves] my darling, my darling, my darling, my darling, my darling…
House: [punches Chase]


They were both crying "I was never dead, it was only that my evil daddy the baron lyed to you to keep us apart"

Wilson: Okay, I understand why she would be crying that, but why was Jeeves crying it?

she said. He kissed her over and over hardly beleving that she was really their. She was just as beautiful as he remembered and he loves her just as much as the last time they had seen each other.

Jeeves: Back when I actively loathed her.

Just then they hear a weak voice from the bathroom saying "Jeeves I think I need some bally help in here, wot"

House: Sounds like Brain Dead needs his valet to wipe his ass for him.
Bertie: Well, I say!
Jeeves: [glares at House, cracking knuckles]
House: Okay, okay! [mutters] And they say Americans are violent.


The butler went to see what the young master wanted. When he saw the razor blade and the blood he screamed.

Bertie: [falls out of chair laughing]
Cameron: What’s so funny?
Bertie: Jeeves…[gasping for breath] …Screaming! Like a woman! Have you ever screamed, Jeeves?
Jeeves: No, sir.
Bertie: Not once?
Jeeves: No.
Bertie: …do you think I could make you scream, Jeeves?
Jeeves: …you may try later, sir.


The auburn haired woman hearing the paniked cry of her lover came running in she immediately figured out what had happened

Wilson: After Jeeves had explained it to her, using small words and a series of grunts.

acting quickly. she got a cloth and bound up the younger man's wound, she knew that he had not lost enough blood to be truely dangerous.

Foreman: Okay, my theory is that the author wrote the entire story without looking at it.

Jeeves was still trembling and she goes to him and comforts him with hug's and kisses'

Jeeves: [shudders]

when he is calmed down she turns back to the younger man

Chase: Opportunity knocked. Her guard was down. Jeeves grabbed the nearest candlestick, knowing that it was now or never…

"why would you do such a thing my dear Bertie" she asks him with compassion in her melodous voice.

Cameron: …Its gentle song attracting every mockingbird within a five mile radius.
House: …Which then proceeded to peck out her eyes. The end.


Something about her caring makes him answer honestly

Foreman: Or perhaps it was the shiv she had pressed against his ribcage.

"its because well its because my bally aunt makes me do bally things that are bally wrong"

House: Like making me show her my bally ballies.

he weeps as he admits this "like kissing her and stuff, wot"

Bertie:… I’ll admit that kissing Aunt Agatha is far from pleasant, but I hardly consider it to be a crying matter.
All: [fidget uncomfortably]
House: Can I tell him?
Jeeves: Not if you wish to wake up tomorrow. [turns to Bertie] Sir, I’m willing to place five pounds against your ability to throw and catch that ball one hundred times without dropping it.
Bertie: [grabs ball] Jeeves, you may as well hand over my money right now. [tosses ball once, immediately drops it]


"Oh!" the auburn haired woman gasps horrified. That is horrible Bertie. Don't worry me and Reggie will protect you from now on"

Bertie: Jeeves does just fine protecting me on his own, thank you very much.
Jeeves: No doubt she’d just get in my way, sir.


she hugs him and wipes away his tears he imediatly feels 100% better just being in the presence of this incredibly compasionate auburn haired woman.

Bertie: Jeeves, that feeling you were mentioning before…
Jeeves: Violation, sir?
Bertie: Yes, that’s the chap. I think it’s getting stronger.


Skwye and Reginold help the younger man out of the bath and get him bandaged properly and in a robe then the door of the apartment flies open

Foreman: It was Satan, calling Skwye back to the underworld.
House: [as Satan] Skwye, get your ass back down here and start torturing the heathens! Adolph and Attila are getting tired!


The baron stands in the doorway armed with a gun "alright I'm taking my daughter back home with me" he says "you guys aren't going too stop me. Shes my property and I can do what I want with her"

Wilson: You’ll find my hallmark stamped on her ass.
House: Oh, Baron von Evil, you’re so behind the times. [pumps fist] Women’s lib!


Jeeves and Bertie stand together in front of the auburn haired woman. "your bally not taking her away" the younger man says. "Sir is correct" the butler adds.

Bertie: Jeeves, that was our chance to get rid of her and we just let it fall to pieces.
Jeeves: Hold fast, sir. I believe that we are nearing the end.


Just then aunt Agatha appears.

Bertie: She must have heard about Satan dropping in for a visit and wanted to say hi.

"wooster, come with me!" she says. the baron startled wirls around and accidently fires the gun shooting agatha She clutches her heart as the blood blossom's and falls to the floor dead.

House: Aww, now how’s incest boy going to get his rocks off?
Bertie: Jeeves, what is he-
Jeeves: Nothing, sir. [cuffs House’s ear]
House: Ow!


Skwye Bertie and Reginold stared agast. Skwye acting quickly quickly

Chase: Is that like Mister Mister?

goes to the phone and calls the police Jeeves and Bertie restle the evil baron to the ground and keep him their until the cops arrive. Then they arest the barron and throw him in jail for life for shooting aunt agatha.

Wilson: Well, that all certainly wrapped up neatly.
Cameron: It was quick. Quick is good.
House: Still, I’d like to know who’s getting the zephyr.


Bertie hugs Skwye.

Chase: Opportunity knocked. Bertie reached for the knife lying on the counter. He knew that it was now or never…
Foreman: Give it up, Chase, it’s not gonna happen.


"thank you Skwye he says "for coming to our bally house and saving all of us. We would have bally died without you, wot"

Wilson: Except that the evil Baron von Misogynist only showed up because of her.
Cameron: So then thank you for coming to our house and almost getting us killed, I guess.


"It's alright" she says hugging him back "you'll be alright now I promise and you don't ever have to hurt yourself again"

Jeeves: Would it be possible for us to hurt you instead?

"I know" he says. "I don't bally need to anymore.

Bertie: Meaning that you’re leaving forever and never coming back, correct? [pause] You being Skwye. Who’s leaving forever. And never coming back.
House: ... That actually approached sarcasm, I think.


And I just inherited all of aunt Agatha's money, so now I'm bally rich, wot"

Bertie: But I’m already bally rich, what?

"Me to" Skwye says "I just inherited all of my evil father's money"

Wilson: And the zephyr, one would presume.
House: NO! Not her! Oh, the humanity!
Jeeves: [smirks]


Then the to men hugged even though they aren't gay or anything because men can hug without being all gay about it

Bertie: [wraps arms around Jeeves] Not these men!

Then Reginold fell to his knees

Bertie: Jeeves, please! Not here!

and said in a shaky voice "Skwye my darling will you do me the incredable honor of being my wife"

Jeeves: It would appear that the author has misspelled “incredible horror”.

"Yes my darling yes" she said "of course I will my one true love"

Cameron: My big, gay one true love!

The auburn haired woman and the dark-haired man kissed pasionately.

Chase: Opportunity knocked. Jeeves slid the cyanide capsule out from behind his teeth, preparing to slip it into Skwye’s awaiting mouth. He knew that it was now or never…
Foreman: For the love of God, Chase, stop it now!


Skwye and Reginold Jeeves along with their deer friend Bertie

Wilson: And their other deer friend, Bambi…

lived out the rest of their lives in happiness and love. It was A Love Without end.

The End.

Bertie: … Is it over?
Jeeves: Yes sir, it’s over.
Bertie:… Jeeves, I don’t feel so bally well.
Jeeves: [shudders] Sir, if you could please refrain from saying “bally” for the next few days, I would be most appreciative.
Chase: [pats Jeeves on back] The first time’s the hardest, Jeeves. You did surprisingly well.
Foreman: And don’t worry, the shaking should disappear in a few hours.
Cameron: Hey Bertie! Your hiccups are gone!
Bertie: [momentarily confused… breaks out into a big smile] You’re right! Oh joy!
Does this mean that I don’t have cancer?
House: We still need to explain the psych symptoms-
Wilson: I don’t think he actually has any. He’s just a moron.
Bertie: Hurray!!! I’m not dying! Jeeves, I’m not dying!
Jeeves: [Hugs Bertie] I am thrilled to hear it, sir. I could never have born a single day without you.
[Jeeves and Bertie kiss]
Chase: [wipes away tear]
Foreman: [rolls eyes] You’re such a woman, Chase.
Chase: You know you love me.
[Foreman and Chase kiss]
House: Will someone please get this fruit salad out of my office?
Wilson: Not me, I’ve got an appointment. [stands to leave] House, are we still on for tonight?
House: Sure thing. I’ll bring the pretzels, you bring the lube.
[Cuddy pokes head into office]
Cuddy: House, get your butt back downstairs. You’ve got two new patients. Some guys with dorky haircuts named Tony and Control are complaining of chills. [turns to Cameron] Dr. Cameron, could I see you in my office in ten minutes, please?
Cameron: Absolutely. [whips out compact, applies lipstick]. See you guys later. [walks out whistling Jill Sobule’s “I Kissed a Girl”]


Comments

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jestana
Oct. 31st, 2006 03:19 pm (UTC)
*falls over laughing* Oh, this was fabulous! It was such sheer genius to include the House characters and Bertie and Jeeves. *hugs them all* I loved how you managed to keep Bertie 'innocent'. There were so many parts I liked that I couldn't possibly list them all. Rest assured that this is bloody brilliant. *claps*
ennui_blue_lite
Oct. 31st, 2006 03:36 pm (UTC)
Yay! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I could not, for the life of me, bear to destroy Bertie's innocence, so I was forced to keep coming up with ways for Jeeves to distract him.

Thanks so much for reading (hands jestana more candy - you like Kit Kats, right?)
(no subject) - jestana - Oct. 31st, 2006 05:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
jadesfire
Oct. 31st, 2006 03:40 pm (UTC)
This was just too funny. All the voices were spot on - Jeeves was fantastic - and the ending was superb. The line that nearly killed me was
Baron Lloyd von Scarlet auf Cummerbund, heir to the London underground
I'm never going to be able to get on the tube again without laughing.

And, altogether now:

VALET! *g*
ennui_blue_lite
Oct. 31st, 2006 04:13 pm (UTC)
*Grin* I'm glad you liked it. I got a bit of help on the voices (oh crap, i'd better go credit skyblue for that! Thanks for reminding me! I forgot that bit.)

Yes! Never call Jeeves a butler! (hands jadesfire some twix bars)
excantare
Oct. 31st, 2006 04:20 pm (UTC)
BWHAHAHAHA! Brilliant! *falls about laughing*
ennui_blue_lite
Oct. 31st, 2006 04:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you! What does your icon mean? (hands out candy to smilthorpe)
(no subject) - excantare - Nov. 1st, 2006 04:19 am (UTC) - Expand
jabber_moose
Oct. 31st, 2006 05:28 pm (UTC)
*giggling and hiccuping- no pun intended. What pun?* Someone...can someone call a doctor? I'm in stitches!

*gasping* I love you deeply. Oh my gud...
ennui_blue_lite
Oct. 31st, 2006 08:02 pm (UTC)
:D

Take deep breaths, and thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it. *feels the love*

Hands jabber moose an almond joy!
(Deleted comment)
ennui_blue_lite
Oct. 31st, 2006 08:06 pm (UTC)
*Beams* Hon, I'm so thrilled that you liked it! Now be sure to calm down before you get the hiccups and Dr. House tries to diagnose you with brain tumors.

(hands River bend more candy)
canned_luri
Oct. 31st, 2006 07:03 pm (UTC)
I <3 you.

And I laughed loudest at the 'Valet!' bits because... *glances around self to check for people* I spent the whole day dressed as Jeeves for charity and people kept calling me a Butler and I 'dropped out of character' about seven times to scream 'VALET!!!' in their faces. But yeah, what can you do when the people you know are uneducated in the world of Wodehouse? (Most disturbing was the head of Theatre telling me that the outfit suited me :s)

ANYWAY loving the fic and want desperately to scwudge you but my damn computer's in the way.
ennui_blue_lite
Oct. 31st, 2006 08:09 pm (UTC)
Yay! canned luri wants to scwudge me! ...wait, what is "scwudge"? Anyway, thanks so much for reading.

You dressed up as Jeeves for Halloween?

(Dumps entire candy bowl into canned luri's bag for having the coolest RL costume possible.)
(no subject) - canned_luri - Oct. 31st, 2006 08:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
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(no subject) - ennui_blue_lite - Nov. 1st, 2006 02:24 am (UTC) - Expand
msliz4857
Oct. 31st, 2006 08:26 pm (UTC)
Hahahahaha! Dear ennui, this is hysterically fabulous! You gave Sky's horror the perfect redemption (if redemption is the word I want, and I'm not sure it is!).

Love Jeeves betting Bertie he can't toss and catch the BOUO 100 times and then Bertie drops it first thing. :)

Actually, love the whole thing! Thanks for this lovely Halloween treat! Twice the laughs, zero calories! Yay!

*Must! learn! to! stop! using! exclamation! points! so! much!*
ennui_blue_lite
Oct. 31st, 2006 09:46 pm (UTC)
Why!? Everyone! loves! exclamation! points!

I'm really glad that you liked it, hon! (and there I go with the !) You get to choose your favorite candy out of the bowl.

(Holds out bowl) Now I've got to go read your costume!!! :D
(no subject) - msliz4857 - Oct. 31st, 2006 10:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
ennui_blue_lite
Oct. 31st, 2006 09:48 pm (UTC)
Alas, there is not enought bad!fic in the fandom of Jeeves and Wooster - the writers are too few and too talented. But I'm very happy that you enjoyed it, and thanks for reading.

(drops candy in sukidakarasuki's jack-o-lantern shaped bucket)
ayamemishi
Oct. 31st, 2006 09:25 pm (UTC)
God, I was laughing at just everything in the MST. I was reading aloud (trying to practice my british accent for tonight), and when Jeeves yells VALET!! I thought I was going to choke. Chase's little comments were killing me, too.

Maybe I just missed it or I'm too new to House to know, but what is the BOUO?

(PS. Your icon= love. Is that from the SNL photos?)
ennui_blue_lite
Oct. 31st, 2006 09:51 pm (UTC)
The BOUO is the Ball of Unknown Origin. It's that big gray and red ball on House's desk.

I'm so glad you liked it. I'd love to hear your British accent. Who are you going as for Halloween?

Yes, the icon is from SNL. Msliz made it - isn't she fabulous?
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flufshepherd
Oct. 31st, 2006 09:31 pm (UTC)
OMG how can u make fun of skyeblue?! she workd reely hard on this fic nd i think it was butiful. i cant bleeve ne1 wuld insult such a touching storie. ur evul. reely reely evul!!1!1!11!!11

u shudnt b allowed 2 b on lj cuz ur so evul.
zekkass
Oct. 31st, 2006 09:38 pm (UTC)
Erm. If you're this offended by this, I suggest you remove yourself and return to fanfiction.net. It's safer for you youngins back there, and it's the natural home of mary-sue writers anyway.
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zekkass
Oct. 31st, 2006 09:36 pm (UTC)
*falls off chair laughing, puts drinks away until the convulsions stop* Y'know, without this I don't think I ever could have tackled the horror. Jeeves slowly loosing control has made my day, along with everything else.

...Tony and Control complaining of chills? Oh poor dears. House'll eat 'em alive...
ennui_blue_lite
Oct. 31st, 2006 09:59 pm (UTC)
In the face of the evil that is Skywe, even Jeeves cowers.

Tony and Control meet House? That sounds like a crack-addicted bunny if I ever saw one.

Thanks for reading and have some skittles!
dryadwoman
Oct. 31st, 2006 09:50 pm (UTC)
*Laughcries* oh, the brilliance!!!!
ennui_blue_lite
Oct. 31st, 2006 10:00 pm (UTC)
XD

Thanks! Much love for reading and responding!
(no subject) - ennui_blue_lite - Oct. 31st, 2006 10:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
ennui_blue_lite
Oct. 31st, 2006 10:08 pm (UTC)
Are you talking about me?
smokingthings
Oct. 31st, 2006 10:31 pm (UTC)
That was HILARIOUS. You win.
ennui_blue_lite
Nov. 1st, 2006 02:13 am (UTC)
Yay! I win! *hands over the M&Ms*

Thank you!
karaokegal
Nov. 1st, 2006 12:00 am (UTC)
I know I said we wouldn't have any official contest but I'm certainly nominating you and Skyblue for best double act. I hope you're both helping yourself to yummies and a serious round of high-fives for creating this brilliant montronsity.
karaokegal
Nov. 1st, 2006 12:02 am (UTC)
I was tempted to delete and try again for a more accurate spelling of the last word, but in light of the event and the fact that I might not get it better the second time, I think I'll let it stand.
(no subject) - ennui_blue_lite - Nov. 1st, 2006 02:16 am (UTC) - Expand
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